The UN: Success Through Diplomacy! (actual results may vary)
UN Success United Nations Flag Shirt

Looking good, UN!

EXPLANATION

This shirt is a jab at the disparity between the UN's stated goals and what influence they actually have on world affairs.

For an entertaining and informative history of the UN with a whole lot of bias, read on...


Some UN-HISTORY

The United Nations was founded as a successor to the League of Nations, which was widely considered to have been ineffective in its role as an international governing body designed to prevent wars, insofar as it had been unable to prevent World War II ... which was kind of a big war. I mean, you can imagine how embarrassed the League of Nations was when they turned around and realized that, whoops-a-daisy! The WHOLE $*%@&! WORLD was fighting each other. Again.

So Churchill and Roosevelt (the one in the wheelchair, not the one that carried a big stick and wrestled rhinos in Africa for fun) got together with some other historical figures that no one remembers, and they came up with the "United Nations" to watch over the world and keep the peace. One representative from each country, which is important so that when there’s a world crisis, they can argue, debate, make deals, stall, listen to speeches, threaten vetoes to send everyone back to the drawing board, listen to more speeches, and finally pass a resolution that no one cares about since it isn't legally binding on any of the members.

For only $5 billion a year (of which the US pays 22%), it's a steal!


A few of the common criticisms of the UN

  • The John Birch Society, which began a "get US out of the UN" campaign in 1959, charged that the UN's aim was to establish a "One World Government." (No one is worried about this anymore, though, since the UN accomplishes so very, very little governing.)
  • In 1967, Richard “Tricky Dick” Nixon criticized the UN as "obsolete and inadequate" for dealing with crises like the Cold War. The UN showed him, though, and by 1991 the Cold War was OVER. Take that and suck on it, Nixon!
  • Jeane Kirkpatrick, US Ambassador to the UN, published a paper in 1983 that said the process of discussions at the Security Council "more closely resembles a mugging of [the United States] than either a political debate or an effort at problem solving."
  • They let countries accused of violating human rights, such as Cuba and Sudan, become members of the Human Rights commission. (Some say “If you can’t beat them, join them,” but this is more of a “If you can beat them, still join the Council that’s supposed to prevent those beatings” situation.)
  • The UN has been accused of tolerating anti-Semitism by ignoring Holocaust denial by Iranian officials. Then again, the Iranian president also said that homosexuality was a myth, so maybe the UN is just ignoring everything Iranian officials say, since they’re speaking like they’re retarded dipsh*ts.
  • A UN ambulance was videotaped transporting Palestinian armed forces in 2004.
  • UN peacekeepers (nicknamed the ‘Blue Helmets’ because that would be an excellent name for a rock band) have been accused of child rape, sexual abuse or soliciting prostitutes during various peacekeeping missions in Congo, Haiti, Liberia, Sudan, Burundi and Ivory Coast.
  • Plus, when peacekeepers aren’t being naughty and actually doing their job… they’re not doing their job. Take all the genocide in Yugoslavia that they couldn’t prevent, despite having armed troops in there (Google ‘Srebrenica massacre’ anytime you are feeling good about the world, but would rather be depressed and lose faith in humanity).
  • The United Nations council on Human Rights was criticized for producing a disproportionate number of resolutions blaming Israel for its treatment of the Palestinian people while ignoring other human rights violators, for example in Darfur.
  • When they did get around to dealing with the Darfur Genocide, they took positive action by writing a very sternly worded resolution. After which, the Sudanese government read the resolution, laughed, flipped them the bird, and killed another two hundred thousand people.
  • The UN is criticized for having an anti-Semitic fixation with the Middle East. They UN says that it is merely a coincidence that in recent years, the Middle East (which represents 2% of its member states and 0.5% of the world's population) was the subject of
    • 76% of country-specific UNGA resolutions
    • 100% of the Human Rights Council resolutions
    • 100% of the Commission on the Status of Women resolutions
    • 50% of reports from the World Food Program
    • 6% of Security Council resolutions
    • 6 of the 10 Emergency sessions.

Getting O.F.F. - The Oil-For-Food Program

Saddam Hussein was, as many notable historians have pointed out, a colossal dick. Because no one wanted him to build up his army again after the First Gulf War, he was under heavy economic sanctions until he agreed to let weapons inspectors into Iraq. He wouldn’t let inspectors in, and as a result his people couldn’t afford food or medical supplies. The UN, in an effort to feed the Iraqi people, came up with the OFFP in 1996 to let Saddam sell oil, but ONLY to get enough money to help his people.

The idea behind the program is shown here in this helpful mathematical formula:

[Saddam Hussein’s lust for power]
+
[UN bureaucracy]
+
[$65 Billion in Oil Money]
=
[SUNSHINE AND DAISIES!]

Ha! Just kidding. The correct answer turned out to be [WIDESPREAD ABUSE AND CORRUPTION], so they shut the program down in 2003.

During the run of the program, companies were overcharging by up to 10%, with part of the overcharged amount being diverted into private bank accounts for Saddam Hussein and his cronies, and the other part being kept by the supplier. A few other fun highlights found out in the aftermath:

  • Benon Sevan, the former director, was suspended and then resigned from the UN when they concluded that Sevan had accepted $3.5 million in bribes from the Iraqi regime. Sevan addressed the General Assembly and said “I deny any wrongdoing. But, since I have UN diplomatic immunity and can’t be criminally investigated anyway, how about you all suck on my fat hairy balls? In your FACE!”
  • Kofi Annan and his son Kojo Annan were alleged to have illegally gotten OFF contracts for the Swiss company Cotecna. It’s only ‘alleged’ because they can’t prove the correlation between: 1) Kojo had a private meeting with Cotecna, 2) Cotecna then raised its bid, 3) Cotecna got the bid, 4) Cotecna paid Kojo ‘consulting fees,’ 5) Cotecna charged over a billion dollars to ship crap-quality goods to Iraq.
  • Russian intelligence brought a whole new level of corruption by setting up artificially low oil prices in 1998, so Saddam could use oil vouchers as bribes. Among the bribed were top officials from Russia, France, China, and the Russian Orthodox Church. A Russian guy carried bags with money from Moscow to Baghdad to return some of the "earned" money as kickbacks to Saddam.
  • Ahmed Idris Nasreddin, a man designated as an MOTHERF%#$ING AL QAEDA FINANCIER by the US and the UN, was among those getting serious kickbacks in the corrupted program.
  • British Parliament – Some dudes in there were getting money under the table, too.
  • The Australian Wheat Board was the biggest single source of kickbacks. In exchange for trouble-free disembarkation of wheat, the Australian Wheat Board paid 'trucking charges' totaling $AU300 million to Alia. Alia is a real Jordanian trucking company, but with no role in the distribution of Australian wheat in Iraq whatsoever. Alia kept a small percentage of  the 'charges', and passed the remainder to Saddam's government.

Fun UN fact:

When the United Nations General Assembly votes on important questions, a two-thirds majority of those present and voting is required. Each member country has one vote.

Conceivably, the one state, one vote power structure could enable states comprising just eight percent of the world population to pass a resolution by a two-thirds vote.

But since UN resolutions are not binding, the remaining ninety-two percent of the world could just do whatever they want anyway.


 


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Hello! This is Jim (the guy in the pictures). If you came here to buy a shirt, sorry to disappoint. This site no longer accepts orders, but you can still browse around and look at the designs, jokes, or email me to say hello.

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